What Makes Me, Me: April 2014

I just saw your post today. It made me cry. For so long I thought I was the only one feeling it, and I don't know where to start. How to fix us. I want to so bad. I want to be able to share those same moments that we used to, laughing and crying together, and knowing that even if we're not together, we're still there for each other forever. I don't know when the split started to happen. I think it happened slowly and we noticed too late, and now we have to scramble even harder to put it back together. I'm here scrambling, and I'm trying, but we both need to try harder. With this depression, I feel like I have no one at times, even when you're standing right in front of me. You've been here for me forever, through the ups and downs, and I think I got so afraid of loosing you too, that I started changing. I changed because I thought you wanted me to, I thought you were happier with the kind of person you started hanging out with, and you were sick of the same old me. It sounds silly now as I write it, but I think that's where it all started. And I take the full blame. Sure, you held things from me for a while, but you fessed up, and you were sorry. What I did, it was stupid, and idiotic, and there was no reason for it. You're the best friend anyone could ask for. I want to go back to when we were closer than close, when we were the same person. And I know we can get it back. We had it for sixteen years, it can't be that hard to find it again. I love you so much. You will always be my soul mate, no matter how many other friends I find, and how many boyfriends I have, it's you who never left my side. I know I can be an idiot sometimes, and I'm hard to deal with. I feel so alone all the time, and it's stupid, because you're the one person who never left. You were always there. I think I try so hard to be there for everyone else, and it hurts me so much to do it sometimes, that I don't want other people to have to feel that, so I hold back what I share. I know you would never judge me, which is why it's so silly. We've both changed so much, and that's fine. We both have new friends, and that's fine too. But, I don't want to loose this. I want us back too. A good start could be a smile, or a hug. We need to talk face to face about all of this, we need to cry together, we need to be vunerable together again. You are the one person I could always let my wall down for, and we both need to do that again in order to find what is slipping away. I love you to the moon and back. Never forget that.